Jan. 26th, 2007

Sometimes it is difficult for me to not feel like a shitty human being.
Today I had a good hair day, and almost no one saw it.

I wanted to disklike it, and am slightly ashamed to admit it, but Snakes on a Plane was fucking ridiculous. I laughed my ass off for most of it.

I took the last of my prednisone this morning. Still coughing and some slight rumbling in my chest when I breathe deep. Happy. Joy.

It is nice to be home. Tomorrow will be family day - well, with mom's side of the family. I'd like to say it was more . . . rejuvenating, reviving, whatever . . . but it is something. I never tire of seeing my grandparents, either.

Plus, I had a really great dinner with my dad last night. We are developing an adult relationship, and I like it. We talk about things now, other than how damned cold it is outside and how insane my cats are. I can tell he thinks of me as an independent human being and, in his own way, respects and loves me for that - including all of our (often dramatic) differences. He has come to terms with my career goals, my politics, my failure to believe in God and so on and so forth, without being condescending. There was a time when I wanted everything from him, and resented him so much for our inabilities to communicate. Now I am happy with what we have, and if there forever remain topics that we can not address (my ex-girlfriends, for example), then so be it. In a world of split, troubled, strained families, I consider myself lucky to have any relationship at all with him. And hell, who knows, maybe someday in the future we can breach that subject. (However, perhaps not after he openly admits to being homophobic to me. Which, in its own odd way, was refreshing. It is something I've always known, but something he's never said in so few words. He has come to realize, though, that other peoples' relationship decisions have little weight on his own and has developed a 'too each their own' position on gays, lesbians, same-sex marriage. Which, for now, is enough. Since eventually he'll learn that my dissertation is on said topic . . . ) It was also wonderful to hear him talk about my mother in ways I'd never heard. They have been married slightly over 28 years and, let's face it, my father has only recently become more expressive and emotional than a brick wall. But, he couldn't help himself from going on and on at one stage about how wonderful a mother he thought she was, how beautiful she was, how lucky he was to have her. How when they go out together - to a wedding, some dinner, an event - he can't help but tell others how beautiful she looks. And it was sweet when I asked him the last time he told her - he seemed almost, I don't know, embarassed or uncomfortable. Like how does one do such a thing after so long?

It has been interesting to watch my dad grow over the last decade or so. I'm not entirely certain of all the reasons, but I suspect facing his own mortality a few times over the last several years has had an impact. Which is good - it means he's human.

I had intended to go to sleep 2 hours ago. I guess I should. TWC is waiting for me.



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